It's a sad but true fact that loneliness can affect any one of us at any time, and new research has found the issue is on the rise for people over 50.
Dating app Lumen recently revealed that one in five people over the age of 50 feel lonely at least a few times a week and 18% say that they feel lonelier than they did a decade ago. While there are many reasons someone in their 50s and beyond can feel lonely, the research found just under a quarter say it’s because their children have left home.
‘Empty nest syndrome’ (a phenomenon where parents feel sadness and loss after their children have moved out) is spoken about within society, but it’s fair to say the seriousness of feeling lonely at home isn’t always taken seriously.
One person who knows how difficult it can be when children leave is Karen Arthur, a 57-year-old fashion designer and sewing tutor from London. Karen is a mum of two daughters, Kareem, 28, and Maheni, 23.
For Karen, who previously worked as a teacher for 28 years, the experience of her daughters leaving home changed her life drastically – forcing her to confront her identity away from being a mother, taking her through dark times but ultimately leading her to a happier place.
Karen and her daughters had always enjoyed a very close relationship and after splitting from their dad when they were children, the mum of two worked hard to ensure the girls were happy.
“When we’re up against the wall, we go into automatic pilot and mothers often just get on with it, we put ourselves last. It was a very difficult breakup and I threw myself into work and making sure my girls were ok,” Karen said.
As a teacher and single mum of two teenage girls, Karen was kept busy, but working close to home meant she and her daughters could spend lots of time together on evenings and weekends.
Years later, as the girls were older and starting to think about moving out, Karen was looking forward to the prospect of a peaceful home life.
“When you have two girls in their late teens/ early 20s and they nick your clothes and use your stuff and the house is semi-untidy and you can’t find anything [you look forward to] having silence and space. I honestly thought it would be really good,” Karen said.
However, when Karen’s daughters both left the family home at the same time to study, it took only a couple of days for her mind to change.
“The house was really quiet. When I tidied up, it stayed. I’d get up in the morning and there was no noise. I’d go to work and work hard and when I got home there was no one greeting me or asking how my day was. I absolutely hated it," she said.
Karen threw herself into work even more and didn’t tell anyone how unhappy she was feeling, especially her daughters.
“I bottled it up. I just got on with it. I felt guilty for feeling that way. I thought people would think that I should be grateful I’ve got a home and that I’ve got space and could maybe get a lodger.”
Things came to a head when Karen’s ability to work was impacted.
“One day at school, a fire alarm went off and in my head something snapped. Everybody else went downstairs but I went up to my office, got my coat and went home. I sat doing work for about three hours then wanted to go to bed but I realised that if I did that, the morning would come earlier and I burst into tears. After about 20 minutes of crying and searching depression symptoms online, I realised this wasn’t normal,” she said.
Karen was signed off work and diagnosed with anxiety and depression. After attempting to go back to her job she realised she couldn’t continue teaching.
“It was horrible, I felt like I’d lost my identity,” she remembers. “I didn’t want anyone to see me. I didn’t go out a lot, but if I did I wore hoods and baggy clothing. I hid from people.”
For the first time, Karen began to focus primarily on herself.
“I started doing meditation and journaling, developed a routine that involved not rushing around, went to Eastbourne, had some quiet time by the sea and got in touch with nature. I went into therapy and I thought it would be a six week fix but I was there for three years and it’s the best money I’ve ever spent on myself. I turned the spotlight on me for the first time in my life, at 53,” she said.
“I made choices, and I still do this, with clothes to make me happy. I wear clothes based on how I want to feel rather than how I feel, to lift my mood.
“I started a craft social in my home. I knew in order to get better I needed to be around people but I wasn’t ready to leave home just yet, so I put a shout out on social media. I still do it once a month, we sit around my kitchen table, we craft and right the world’s wrongs.”
Now, Karen is in a much happier place. While her eldest daughter lives nearby, her youngest is getting ready to go travelling, but Karen is feeling vastly different to the last time her daughters moved out.
“Now, I’m busy doing things I love, whereas before I was busy doing something I’d fallen out of love with. The four-year gap has made a huge difference to how I feel about myself, which is… key here. It’s about your own self-worth. Then it doesn’t matter what happens around you, you don’t need external validation. I’m happy doing me,” she said.
Though the experience of her daughters moving out triggered dark times for Karen, her life is now fuller because of the work she’s put into caring for herself.
“If you put all your efforts into your children and you don’t have your own life, when your children leave, what are you going to do? Put your efforts into loving your own life, and your children are part of that. I realise now that then, having my kids around was my little crutch and it masked how I was feeling about my own life,” she said.
“When your kids leave it’s an opportunity to try new things, whether that’s starting a new hobby, meeting people, doing a course. Use that opportunity. If you realise that part of the reason you’re missing your kids is because you actually don’t like a different aspect of your life, you can change it, don’t be scared. If your life is full and you are happy, it won’t make a blind bit of difference, in fact it will enhance your life.”
‘Empty nest syndrome’: Advice from a counsellor
“It’s really common for parents to feel [distressed] when their children leave home. It signifies the end of a life stage and can bring up all sorts of emotions. Sometimes, couples find they’ve spent so many years focussing on the children that they’ve grown distant from one another. They suddenly find themselves living alone together again but may lack a sense of purpose, have feelings of loss or even feel they have little in common,” said Barbara Honey, counsellor at relationship support charity, Relate.
There are things you can do the prepare for children leaving home.
“Acknowledge that you are going to miss your children. That’s perfectly natural. See this as an opportunity for your children to learn and grow but also for you to do the same. With more time on your hands, this is an opportunity to reconnect with your yourself,” Barbara said.
“You may even consider some counselling ahead of your children leaving home to help you adjust to this big life change,” she added.
If you are struggling to adapt to kids moving out, it’s important to tell someone, whether that’s your partner or another trusted person. For more information about counselling, visit Relate’s website.
