Bibi Lynch: So, what does an orgasm coach actually do?
Jessica Parker: In the same way a personal trainer supports a person in achieving their fitness goals, an orgasm coach supports you in fulfilling your pleasure potential – and that can include orgasms. I would actually call myself a ‘pleasure coach’ – because when orgasm is the end goal, that usually creates a vicious cycle and explains why orgasms are elusive or not as good as you want – or simply not happening.
BL: According to research, up to 50% of women don’t orgasm during intercourse. Why is this?
JP: Most people are so intent on pleasing their partner, and the receiver on trying to be pleased (or slowing down to match their partner’s pace), that no one is receiving the gift! For younger women, there’s external pressure and anxiety: assuming everyone else is doing it or doing it better than them. And younger women are taught how to look externally sexy, but there’s not much emphasis on learning about your own body – which is the greatest way to learn about your own particular style of orgasm.
For post-menopausal women, there are the results of hormonal changes – vaginal thinness, less lubrication, maybe lower libido. On the plus side, they’ve had longer with their bodies, so are a lot wiser about them. I would recommend that post-menopausal women spend time physically exploring themselves, as they might need to find different versions of pleasure over those that worked pre-menopause.
BL: You start your sessions with a chat about your client’s relationship and orgasm history…
JP: Yes. We also explore the reasons things might not be going so well right now. It’s then that we see all the other things that have been going on: ‘I’m so distracted’; ‘I’m so tense’; ‘I don’t have any space to feel my feelings.’ We work on all those things, rather than, ‘Right, let’s get to the orgasm.’
BL: It would be useful to have that conversation with your partner, but how in the name of Ann Summers do you do that?
JP: I suggest not having that conversation in a high-stakes situation – so, not during or just before sex! Try when you’re walking and talking outside; it’s easier to detach and look at things with a fresh perspective outside of your usual environment. Talk about what’s going on for you: ‘This works well…’; ‘I would love more/less of…’; ‘Maybe we could try this next time?’ This is about ownership, agency and practising asking for what you need. This why you become a Pleasure Team!
BL: The Pleasure Team – that sounds fun…
JP: Working on pleasure – rather than the end goal – has the best results. This is because it allows you to be present in the moment. My tagline is ‘Getting out of your head and into your body’. When I work with people, I usually take orgasm off the menu in the beginning – it’s kissing or X, Y or Z, but not the Big O.
BL: How about a massage?
JP: Perfect. Create the space. It doesn’t have to be a tantric temple, but have the right lights, the right music… It needs to appease your senses, so you’re out of your head and into your body. Start with the head, quieten your thoughts and sync your breathing. This will really help you tune in. Use plenty of oil on the skin and just follow the pleasure and what feels good.
BL: What else can we do?
JP: Look at your lifestyle: do you have space to sense sensuality throughout the day? We crash through our day and then think we can just switch on to sex. Infusing pleasure into day-to-day life helps. When you next have a coffee, close your eyes as you drink and really taste, savour and feel what you’re drinking.
BL: Are there physical exercises that help?
JP: Many of my clients are tight in their pelvic muscles because they’ve been doing Pilates and Kegel exercises for years, where you squeeze, squeeze, squeeze the pelvic floor. That’s an orgasm killer because the muscles aren’t relaxed – in fact, they’re often so tight they can’t contract in that beautifully choreographed way that creates an orgasm. We need healthy muscular strength all around our pelvis, our glutes, our body – and that can be achieved by just staying active, but not focusing on just squeezing.
BL: Can certain foods help?
JP: I could say ‘Eat 10 blueberries a day – and add vitamin C, too’ – and I’m sure that would help overall wellbeing, but what will help you the most is to really be present in your body. The more often you tune in, the better, as it all creates what’s known as sensual recall, meaning you can access your sensuality more easily.
BL: What are your ultimate tips for great orgasms?
JP: Self-touch. Less pressure. Practice. Making time for pleasure. Pleasure, regardless of orgasm, is so important. We’re in a touch-starved society, let alone orgasm-starved. Pleasure doesn’t need to be erotic – it can be nourishing.
Visit http://www.jessicaparker.co to find out more about Jessica and her coaching
