'My work is done.' That was the Instagram caption one of my friends posted a few days ago, as her daughter turned 21. The accompanying picture showed her lovely daughter – let’s call her Izzy – looking oh-so grown up, wearing a sheer off-white gown, beautifully made up, curled hair tumbling around her shoulders.
I’ve known Izzy since her earliest days, so my first thought was: wow! She’s so grown up. But then I looked at the photo again, this time for the baby I’d known, the toddler I’d known, the schoolgirl she was not so long ago and sure enough, they were all still there. So, is my friend’s work really over, or even nearly over? Somehow, I don’t think so. I’m the mother of four daughters (aged 20, 24, 28 and 30) as well as the 50-something daughter of an 84-year-old mother. Both these roles have taught me that, certainly when it comes to daughters, a mother’s work is never done.
For me, this isn't a source of frustration or annoyance (well, most of the time), but an element of life for which I feel a sense of gratitude. My girls go through phases of needing me less but, despite their different personalities, one thing that’s never happened is them not needing me at all.
Right now my youngest is in her final year at university. Both she and one of her older sisters were students through the pandemic. Very suddenly their lives became incredibly tough and though I was hundreds of miles away, I was on the phone to them several times a day. At one point I had to swoop in and pick one of them up, as she was having too hard a time to stay put.
My older girls are both in the throes of buying their first homes in expensive cities and they need financial as well as moral support. As the competition for desirable flats increases and interest rates rise, I tell my daughters stories about testing periods in my own life, when moving to a bigger home seemed out of reach but I managed it. I tell them I know it will all work out for them in the end, because it will.
While a mother-daughter relationship is not equal in the way a friendship is (as parents we give forward and don't expect direct payback), it's not that there isn’t symbiosis. I learn a huge amount from the young people in my life: my daughters, their partners and their friends. I hope they continue to learn, or at least get a different perspective on life, from me and my husband, too. We also have lots of fun together and enjoy each other’s company as grown-ups. Our times together are probably the happiest moments of my life.
As my girls grow older, there’s a strong chance that grandchildren will begin to arrive. A few days ago, I listened to a radio phone-in about grandparents taking on childcare. For so many 30-somethings today, working is only financially viable because grandparents offer regular childcare. And for some, this involves long journeys as well as a heavy investment of time and energy.
It’s not just about caring for the next generation while they’re very young, either. My own childhood was shaped by my relationship with my grandmother. In fact, as I’m now the same age she was when I was born, I appreciate her influence on my life all the more. Fiercely independent, she travelled to Africa alone in her sixties. She was immensely elegant and wore Seventies fashion with enormous style. She certainly wouldn’t have regarded herself as a feminist and had little interest in journalism (which I later would) but her attitudes moulded these elements of my life. I’m very aware that any future grandchildren may watch the way I live and that their observations might play out in their own lives long after I am dead.
Then there’s my relationship with my own mother. Although I have several close friends, a supportive husband and my four daughters, I know there’s only one person on the planet who will unconditionally fight my corner and it’s my mum. I call her every second or third day, checking in to see if she’s ok, but almost always I’m interrupting her busy schedule: she was just about to go shopping, to the theatre or to her book group. But yet she gamely listens to whatever I need to talk about, whether it’s connected with my work, my marriage or my own life as a mother.
So as for saying 'the work is over', I should inform my pal that it’s hardly begun. In those years when our children were tiny, we were their world, their everything. Now we’ve moved into the background, but as in any movie or stage show, the backdrop is always a part of the story. We'll continue to be a big part of their story not only for the rest of our lives but further beyond too.
