As a freelancer, I bring in slightly less than my husband, who is on salary. But the budget, spending and “allowance” falls to me. I pay the bills. When my husband’s biweekly paychecks arrive, I transfer them between accounts, earmarking money for different things: our mortgages, utilities, camp for our kids, life insurance policies, car insurance, general savings, a dental care emergency fund and more.
In some ways, this is an additional job; like all domestic labor (laundry, picking my kids up from school, cooking dinner, remembering everything that my job as mom requires me to remember), this is also unpaid. But since I’m the more financially conservative of the two of us and the more budget-oriented, I honestly don’t mind picking up this particular task — which takes me a few hours a week — as long as I don’t ever have to empty the dishwasher.
If you were to ask my husband how much money is in our savings or personal checking accounts, there’s a reasonably good chance he might not know the answer. That’s not because he doesn’t care how much money we have, or because our finances lack transparency; but managing our money — a job that I could, at this point, delegate to a more qualified financial specialist — gives me a sense of control (though I’m more than happy to cede the DIY home projects to him).
It’s worth noting that we have no real debt, besides our mortgages: no car payments, no credit card debt. When we met, we had significant debt, which we managed through goal-setting and budgets. Over time, we found that I’m the more diligent budgeter of the two of us, and so it probably makes sense for me to be the one with my hands on the purse strings.
I also believe that women should always know how much money is in their shared bank accounts, and that they should have agency over their finances. Given existing pay disparities between men and women, and given how easy it is to lose sight of financial priorities when you’re in a relationship with someone you trust, I think it’s important that women, in particular, who are still paid less than men and who are often able to accrue less wealth than men as a result, know how much they have in the bank.
And, according to national data, I’m not wrong. Last year, the U.S. Census Bureau’s Survey of Income and Program Participation (SIPP) concluded that about 50% of women aged 55 to 66 had no personal retirement savings, compared with 47% of men. The counterpoint, however, is that women who have wealth are better at retaining it. A 2021 study released by Fidelity and conducted over the course of 10 years found that women earned, on average, 0.4 percentage points more annually than their male counterparts. In other words, one reason my husband has happily handed over the reins of our checkbook is that I’m good at managing it. I’ve pointed the needle up.
As a type-A personality, I live and die by spreadsheets, and money management is just another part of the daily work that I take on (and enjoy taking on). To his credit, he does not register any complaints when it comes time to mow the lawn, fix anything that is broken or call contractors. But he doesn’t want the job of money manager, and so our agreement is that I’m the one who does it. (When we disagree about the specifics of our domestic roles, though, I’m happy to draw up a contract.)
My husband and I have a financial adviser, who has asked, on more than one occasion, why I don’t outsource this monthly labor. (I happily outsource other types of labor, but not this.) The truth is, though, tracking the minutiae of money is already part of my freelance work; I’m responsible for orchestrating a massive invoicing network, and adding this to my plate isn’t actually that much more work.
My husband and I have no financial secrets. When we want to make a large purchase, we discuss it together. Ultimately, though, I’m the one who tells him whether or not we can actually afford it, based on the numbers I see before me. Or, I make a financial plan to make whatever goals we have possible, assuming I can do so.
We share one major credit card, though we have a few other credit cards that we use for specific purposes, like travel or entrance into airline clubs. And when it comes to negotiating higher rates of pay — his salary, for instance — we discuss that too. Our shared financial goal has always been to eliminate debt, accrue equity and savings and be able to do the things we want to do with our family without having to worry about tomorrow. So far, our method has gotten us there.
Photographs: Mike Garten. Prop styling: Alex Mata. Design: Betsy Farrell.
