Parents these days are focused on social-emotional learning and are always trying to help kids name and understand their feelings. What not everyone realizes, though, is that this is just as important for adults as it is for kids.
Having a high emotional intelligence — or the ability to manage and understand feelings — is beneficial to parents in so many ways. To some people, it comes naturally. To others, it takes more work. But that's okay, since, with practice, anyone can imprive their own emotional intelligence.
Here are eight things highly emotionally intelligent parents do, and how it can benefit their kids, their families and themselves.
They are practiced listeners.
Emotionally intelligent parents can actively listen to their kids, even — or especially — when emotions run high. “That means connecting with the child without judgment, with just the goal of understanding the child,” says John Gottman, PhD, co-founder of The Gottman Institute and author of Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child.
Dr. Gottman adds that emotionally intelligent parents do this even when a kid is misbehaving. “For example, maybe a child knocked down his brother’s block tower,” he says. “Not okay, but perhaps the brother caused the anger. Before setting limits, the parent can empathize with the anger. What listening accomplishes is establishing connection first. That makes it easier for the child to trust the parent will be fair. Fairness and justice is very important to children.”
And when they’re not listening, they’re asking questions. “Emotionally intelligent parents repeat back what they hear their children say in a way that their children can correct,” says Maurice J. Elias, PhD, professor of psychology at Rutgers University, co-author of Emotionally Intelligent Parenting. “For example, instead of saying, ‘You said your sister hit you first,’ an E.I. parent would say, ‘I thought I heard you say your sister hit you first. Did I hear correctly? Tell me more about what happened.’"
They respond to kids with empathy and validate feelings.
“Emotionally intelligent parents recognize their child's feelings — even when they disagree with the child's perspective or find the timing of these emotions challenging,” says Laura Markham, PhD, founder of Peaceful Parent Happy Kids. She notes that responding to kids with empathy offers a slew of benefits. It helps kids learn emotional regulation, increases their self-awareness, improves communication skill and builds resilience and self-esteem. “Children don't always need to get what they want, but they do need to feel understood, and like they aren't bad people for having normal human emotions, like getting angry or being disappointed,” Dr. Markham adds, noting that kids of emotionally intelligent parents experience less stress, since they don’t have to repress negative emotions.
“At the end of the day, what kids want and need most is to feel seen, heard, understood and valued,” says parent coach Debbie Zeichner, LCSW. “When they don’t, they often let us know through their behavior, so-called ‘acting out,’ as it’s often their best — and sometimes only — way of communicating. When a child does feel seen and heard, they’re much more open to listening and cooperating. Most importantly, validating a child's emotions builds trust, strengthens their self-worth and helps them develop the ability to acknowledge and navigate their feelings in a healthy way.”
They offer options over opinions.
“E.I. parents help their kids become good problem-solvers by not telling them what to do as much as giving them choices — sometimes with real-world constraints — or asking for their preferences,” Dr. Elias says. “Parents can tell, suggest or ask. Asking provides the most cognitive exercise for our kids' mental functions, suggestion provides some and being told what to do generates relatively little.” Dr. Elias gives this as an example
- Tell: You are having cereal for breakfast.
- Suggest: Would you rather have cereal, oatmeal or yogurt?
- Ask: What would you like to have for breakfast?
“Note that an E.I. parent would only ‘ask’ if there was a reasonable possibility to comply with the child's answer,” Dr. Elias says. “On most school days, ‘suggest’ is the best approach.” He notes there’s little point in asking what a child wants for breakfast if there’s a possibility that they’ll say “homemade chocolate chip banana pancakes” on a day where there’s no time or ingredients to make them. “As your children face more and more complicated situations, their ability to respond wisely to open-ended questions will determine how they succeed in school and in relationships,” Dr. Elias says.
They don’t steer the conversation.
Asking questions and deep listening opens the floor for other ideas and opinions. “One very important thing that emotionally intelligent parents do is that they are mindful about helping their children develop and express their own ideas, views, and values,” says Tasha Brown, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist, host of the "Notes from a Child Psychologist Podcast" and founder of TMB Psychological Services, PLLC. “During conversations where children are sharing their views, emotionally intelligent parents allow their children to lead the conversation; they ask limited questions and try to gain a concrete understanding of what their children are expressing and where their ideas are coming from. When they do ask questions, these emotionally intelligent families do their best to ask open-ended questions, while affirming their child's ability to have views and ideas that are independent from their caregiver.” She adds that this type of conversation creates moments of connection and strengthen a child's communication skills.
They know themselves.
This allows for a better understanding of outside factors that could affect their kids. "Emotionally intelligent parents are both introspective and reflexive,” says Shay Thomas, DMFT, LMFT, a family therapist based in Atlanta. “Not only do they examine their own thoughts, feelings and behaviors, they also remain aware of how interpersonal factors — e.g., listening, empathy, guilt, shame, fatigue — and external factors, like work/school stress, weather, noise and technology impact communication and relational dynamics." And there’s nothing wrong with being honest with kids, saying, “I’m just too tired to think about that at the moment, but we can talk about it later.”
They don’t let emotions get the better of them.
It’s easy for anyone to make bad choices in the heat of a moment, but emotionally intelligent parents know that they shouldn’t be led by uncomfortable feelings. “Emotionally intelligent parents make parenting decisions based on their values and goals and best judgment in the moment, not on their emotional experience in the moment or their child's feelings,” says Carla Naumburg, PhD, author of How to Stop Losing Your Sh*t With Your Kids. “They understand that feelings aren't wrong, and there's nothing wrong with feeling your feelings, but they aren't a good guide for parenting decisions.”
She adds that, even in E.I. parents, this can take some practice. “[It’s] an incredibly hard thing to do,” she says, “and relatively few of us do it all of the time, but it's something to work towards. When we parent from a place of our values, we're more consistent and predictable, and more likely to make choices that are aligned with our best selves.”
They know when to apologize.
Not every interaction goes smoothly, but some parents are better at making amends than others. “Emotionally intelligent parents are typically good at repairing,” says Gayane Aramyan, LMFT. “This includes acknowledging any mistakes or missteps, taking responsibility for them, and reconnecting with their child or partner. Repairing models healthy emotional regulation and conflict resolution skills. By apologizing, validating any feelings that come up and reaffirming their love, parents show their children that their relationship can withstand conflict and actually be strengthened through challenges.”
They take care of their own emotional needs.
After all, kids learn most from their parents. “Children often absorb everything that happens in the home, including their parents' verbal and nonverbal conduct,” says Kim Parker, EdD, a licensed clinical social worker, adjunct professor and author of East Meets West: Parenting from the Best of Both Worlds. “Emotionally intelligent parents who take care of their own mental health will be better equipped to focus on young children's needs and to encourage their teens.”
Adults can go a long way in showing kids that it’s okay to ask for help when tough times come along. “When parents have excessive struggle, whether medically, mentally, relationally, or in other ways, this places undue stress or burden on their children,” she says. “However, it's natural for parents to struggle in life and not have it all together. We just need to watch out for any unmet needs that have chronically or severely affected us and get the appropriate help. Sometimes, that involves taking our loved ones for a family session with a professional therapist." That shows kids how we can all get through tough times.
They raise emotionally intelligent kids.
LaNail R. Plummer EdD, LPC, LCPC-S and CEO and founder of Onyx Therapy Group, says there are five principles of emotional intelligence:
- Self Awareness
- Social Skills
- Empathy
- Motivation
- Self-Regulation
“Note that three-fifths of these principles are skills,” she says. “Skills can be learned, and must be practiced, positively reinforced and celebrated. Remember, we praise the process/journey. We don't wait until the end result or desired outcome.”
The last two, empathy and motivation, are emotional states. “They are short-lasting,” Dr. Plummer says, “so it's ok if someone loses empathy or motivation for a short period of time. Encourage them to continue to build their emotional capacity by reminding them of the benefits of empathy and motivation, especially as it aligns with our social engagement and building relationships with siblings and friends.”
“Model the five principles daily,” she says. “Children are social learners. Naturally, they observe, pay detailed attention, imitate and replicate behaviors. If they consistently see their parents utilizing skills related to emotional intelligence, they will learn it quickly and internalize the skills as their own.”
Marisa (she/her) has covered all things parenting, from the postpartum period through the empty nest, for Good Housekeeping since 2018; previously, she wrote about parents and families at Parents and Working Mother. She lives with her toy-collecting husband and daughter in Brooklyn, where she can be found helping out her team at bar trivia or posting about movies on Twitter and Bluesky.
